Ya’ll, God (I believe in God) ain’t finished with me yet. I fall down so many times, and it is only by Grace that I am able to get back up again. So far, I have. Stumblings, trips, flat-out face plants, and I’ve been able to get back up, mostly uninjured, and keep it moving. Sometimes slowly, sometimes I pop back up (always looking to see if anyone saw me), but I get up. And my biggest fears are injuring myself during the fall, and worse, someone seeing it.
This wedding planning has shown me all the times I’ve tried not to fall, or to try to be cute while doing it. It has shown me how far I still have left to go on this walk, and after I panic at all the work I still have left to do, not on the wedding, but on myself, I start to feel pretty good. Even with all this mess, I have done a lot with my life. I like my life. And if the people are gonna find out that I’m a fraud on my wedding day, at least I know for sure Jason knows the skeletons directly, and won’t run screaming from the room.
I feel abandoned and not supported by my family, particularly the male figures, who are the family heads. As they go, so goes the family. And neither one of them are interested in making my wedding a big deal…hence, none of my family are excited about the wedding being a big deal. I have to deal with that. I have to deal with the hurt that I still don’t matter to them like I want to; and I have to forgive myself and detach their decisions not to share in what will be a wonderful day from my own sense of adequacy. I am not inadequate- my ability to let people be free, when they are indeed free and act accordingly- that generates a feeling of inadequacy in me. Like being mad because you can’t run up a wall (yay, Margaret Cho!). This is none of my business.
So the lesson for today is, even if my family of birth doesn’t love me in the manner in which I wish to become accustomed, I still have family. I’m still loved, and I feel loved, often. I repeat, what my family does or doesn’t do, is none of my business. They’re free; I’m free; my wedding is free. I don’t have to weigh it down with expectations, or ask it to fulfill a need beyond its scope. I thank this opportunity to plan a wedding, because it has shown me that I want to deal with some un-done mess with relationships, but that’s my work, not the wedding’s.
As I said on facebook today:
FB fam, a moment of humility. You must know I’m making this up as I go along. I mess up. I get things “wrong.” I make messes. I try to mop them up. Sometimes I panic and cover up my mess. I love you all. I don’t always show it. It’s fear, not coldness. This is my process; this is my walk. Be gentle with me.
*I haven’t read this book, so I can’t endorse it- I just like the cover image. If you like, you can check it out here.